Hello, and welcome to my new website.
Over the past few years I’ve spent countless hours and days diving into my own humanity and discovering who I am. This came after I had what I term an emotional collapse. I came to realize later that it was postpartum depression. No, I did not see a doctor nor did I get medication for it. I’m grateful I was able to get through it without having to do that. I understand that I was blessed, and many people do find their relief through medical means; if I hadn’t seen a turn around, I would have gotten anti-depressants because the alternative was a lot uglier.
I didn’t realize I had a problem until I found myself unable to control my emotions…at all. I clearly remember one night where I screamed at my husband for ten minutes straight, and it wasn’t about him. It was about how awful my life was, how I hated God and the scriptures, how I wished I could dance around a fire while I tossed those ‘horrible’ books into it. I screamed about my life, my anger, my kids, him, and every other thing that I couldn’t deal with. It was awful. But the worst part about it was that I knew I’d lost control, because while I was screaming at him a small little voice in my head was begging me to stop, and I couldn’t. I saw a terrified, damaged little girl cowering in a corner while a crazed monster ripped apart her life. Somehow I was both the little girl and the monster.
The worst part about that night, however, was that my husband left wondering if he’d come home to find a dead wife. While I wanted to die, I wouldn’t have taken my life; he didn’t know that, and my actions left him wondering if I would. That night was the first wake up call, and I would have several more before I started to experience myself as human again.
**Originally published in 2016.